Belonging Without Performing
Hello AutismWorks Community,
After talking about art—expression without permission—I want to move into something closely related: belonging without performing.
Because for a lot of autistic people, social spaces can come with an invisible pressure:
Act normal. Act friendly. Act interested. Act confident. Act like everyone else.
That pressure can turn connection into a performance. And performances are exhausting.
This article is about a different way to approach people and new experiences—one that keeps your dignity intact:
You can belong without pretending.
The Myth: “To belong, I have to become someone else”
It’s easy to believe that the price of acceptance is changing yourself.
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forcing more eye contact than you can handle
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laughing at jokes you don’t understand
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staying longer than you’re comfortable
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talking when you’d rather listen
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copying the energy of the room even when it drains you
But if belonging costs your identity, it’s not belonging. It’s survival.
Real belonging is simpler:
You get to be yourself, and you still have a place.
A healthier goal: Be present, not impressive
The goal in social spaces doesn’t have to be “make everyone like me.”
A better goal is:
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show up as you are
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be respectful
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engage in a way that’s sustainable
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leave with your nervous system intact
If you do that, you’re already winning.
Three ways to reduce “performance pressure” immediately
1) Choose settings with structure
Unstructured social events are the hardest—because there are no clear rules.
Structured spaces reduce pressure:
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classes
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clubs
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volunteering
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game nights
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interest groups
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meetups with an activity
When the activity is the focus, you don’t have to “carry” the social part.
2) Use honest, simple communication
You don’t need to explain your whole life. One honest sentence is enough:
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“I’m quiet at first, but I’m glad I came.”
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“I do better one-on-one than in groups.”
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“I may step out for a minute if it gets loud.”
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“I’m here because I like the activity.”
Honesty removes pressure—because you’re not trying to hide.
3) Plan your exits like a professional
Performing often happens when you feel trapped.
A planned exit gives you freedom.
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park where you can leave easily
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sit near an aisle or wall
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set a time limit (30–60 minutes)
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have a script ready: “I’m going to head out. Good to see you.”
Leaving early is not rude. It’s self-respect.
Belonging tools that don’t require masking
Here are ways to connect without pretending:
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Shared interests: talk about the thing you both came for
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Short questions: “How long have you been coming here?”
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Compliments: “That’s a cool shirt / game / art style.”
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Listening: being attentive is a form of connection
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Consistency: showing up again matters more than being flashy once
Some of the strongest social bonds are built quietly.
How to know you’re in the right place
A good space won’t require you to perform.
Green flags:
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people are patient and not pushy
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boundaries are respected the first time
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you can be quiet without being treated as weird
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the vibe is calm and consistent
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you feel better after being there—not worse
If you feel like you have to act, prove, or disguise yourself… that’s useful information. It might not be your place.
A small challenge: show up as your real self (just a little)
Try this once this week:
Go somewhere interest-based (even for 20 minutes) and give yourself permission to:
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be quiet
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observe first
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talk when you’re ready
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leave when you need to
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not explain yourself too much
Then ask yourself afterward:
Did I belong more by performing… or by being honest?
Belonging isn’t something you earn by acting perfectly.
Belonging is something you build—through safe spaces, honest communication, and steady, repeatable participation.
You don’t have to become louder.
You don’t have to become smoother.
You don’t have to become someone else.
You can belong without performing.
Thank you for reading.
With appreciation,
Tyler McNamer
Founder, AutismWorks
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