After the Moment: Recovering From Social Mistakes
Hello AutismWorks Community,
There’s a part of social life people don’t talk about enough: what happens after.
After the conversation.
After the event.
After you get home and your brain starts replaying everything like a movie you didn’t ask to watch.
Second guessing can be brutal—especially when the mistake was honest and small. A wrong word. A missed cue. A name you mixed up. The kind of thing you didn’t mean… but still feels heavy.
This article is about how to recover—without spiraling, without self-punishment, and without deciding that being social “isn’t worth it.”
Why second guessing hits so hard
For many autistic people, social situations can already require extra effort:
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tracking tone
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reading reactions
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choosing words carefully
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managing sensory input
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trying to “fit” the pace of the room
So when a mistake happens, it can feel like proof that socializing is unsafe or impossible.
But a social mistake is not a verdict. It’s a moment.
And moments can be repaired.
Step 1: Separate “mistake” from “identity”
A mistake is something that happened.
It is not who you are.
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Mistake: “I said something awkward.”
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Identity: “I am awkward and shouldn’t talk.”
That second sentence is the trap. The goal is to correct the behavior without condemning yourself.
A helpful reframe:
“I made a human mistake. I can fix it.”
Step 2: Use the 3-Question Reset
When your brain replays the moment, ask three questions:
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Was there harm—or just discomfort?
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Is there a repair I can make in one sentence?
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What’s one simple change for next time?
That’s it. Not ten questions. Not a trial in your head. Just three.
Step 3: Repair with a short message (if needed)
If you truly crossed a line or created discomfort, repairing is powerful—and often simpler than you think.
Here are a few options:
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“Hey, I realized I misspoke earlier. I’m sorry about that.”
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“I didn’t mean it the way it came out. Thanks for your patience.”
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“I noticed that might’ve been awkward. My bad—wanted to clear it up.”
Key rule: Keep it short. Don’t overexplain. Don’t punish yourself publicly. Just repair and move forward.
Step 4: Practice the replacement (train the brain)
The brain learns by repetition—not by guilt.
If there’s something you want to improve (names, greetings, tone, interruptions), you can train it with a simple method:
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Say the correct version out loud three times
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Write it once
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Visualize the moment going correctly one time
This isn’t about shame. It’s about giving your brain the “new track” so it’s easier to follow next time.
Step 5: Learn the difference between “embarrassed” and “danger”
Embarrassment can feel like danger—but it isn’t.
Embarrassment is your mind saying:
“I care about people. I want to do well.”
That’s not a weakness. That’s conscience.
And yes, discomfort after a mistake is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re human.
Why it makes sense to avoid socializing
I want to say this clearly:
It makes sense why many autistic people would rather avoid being social.
Not because they don’t want connection—
but because they fear:
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being imperfect
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making things worse
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being judged permanently for a temporary mistake
That fear is real.
But here’s the other reality:
Everyone is imperfect.
And people may be surprised how many freely forgive.
Most people don’t remember the small mistakes nearly as much as you do. Most people are focused on themselves, not cataloging your flaws. And the right people—the safe people—care more about your sincerity than your perfection.
A tiny goal that helps
Instead of “be perfect,” try this:
“If I make a mistake, I will recover.”
Recovery is a skill. And like any skill, it improves with practice.
Social life isn’t about never messing up. It’s about learning how to repair, reset, and return without letting shame take the wheel.
Mistakes don’t mean you should disappear.
They mean you’re learning.
They mean you’re trying.
They mean you’re human.
Thank you for reading.
With appreciation,
Tyler McNamer
Founder, AutismWorks
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