The Cost of Pretending

Hello AutismWorks Community,

In the last article, I introduced the topic of masking—what it is, why it happens, and how people with autism may hide parts of themselves in order to fit into social situations more smoothly.

Now I want to go one step further.

Because masking does not just take effort.

It costs something.

From the outside, pretending may seem harmless. Someone looks polite, capable, maybe even “well-adjusted.” But inside, constantly editing yourself can wear a person down in ways that are hard to explain.

This article is about that cost.

Pretending uses energy

Every time someone with autism forces eye contact, suppresses a stim, rehearses a line, copies a tone of voice, or hides discomfort, it takes energy.

Not just social energy.

Real mental and emotional energy.

And when this happens all day long—in school, at work, in public places, around unfamiliar people—that energy drains fast.

That can lead to:

• exhaustion after social situations
• needing long periods alone to recover
• feeling “off” without knowing why
• losing energy for things that actually matter

A person may look fine while it is happening, but later they may feel completely spent.

Pretending can create confusion about identity

This is one of the hardest parts.

If someone spends enough time adjusting themselves for the comfort of others, they may start to lose track of what feels natural.

They may wonder:

• Do I really like this, or am I trying to fit in?
• Is this my personality, or is this the version people accept?
• What do I actually want when no one else is around?

That kind of confusion can be painful.

Because the more someone performs, the harder it can become to recognize what is authentic.

And when authenticity gets buried, confidence usually suffers with it.

Pretending can delay real support

If other people only see the “masked” version, they may assume everything is okay.

They might think:

• “They’re doing great.”
• “They don’t need help.”
• “They seem normal enough.”
• “They’re managing just fine.”

Meanwhile, the person may be:

• overstimulated
• confused
• anxious
• emotionally overloaded
• trying very hard not to fall apart

When the outside looks polished, the inside is often overlooked.

That means support may not come when it is needed most.

Pretending can create resentment

There is a difference between choosing how to act and feeling trapped into it.

When someone feels like they have to mask in order to be accepted, resentment can grow.

Not always loud resentment.

Sometimes it is quiet.

It can sound like:

• “Why do I always have to be the one adjusting?”
• “Why do I have to hide just to make other people comfortable?”
• “Why do I have to work this hard to seem okay?”

That kind of resentment is understandable.

Because pretending all the time does not feel like freedom. It feels like pressure.

Pretending can lead to burnout

When masking goes on too long, the body and mind may start pushing back.

This can show up as:

• shutdowns
• irritability
• emotional numbness
• needing to withdraw more often
• losing motivation
• feeling disconnected from yourself and others

Sometimes people think they are just tired.

But sometimes what they are experiencing is deeper than tiredness.

It is the result of carrying too much for too long.

The cost is not always visible

That is what makes this difficult.

The person who is suffering may still be:

• doing the assignment
• attending the meeting
• answering politely
• smiling at the right times
• showing up where expected

And because of that, people around them may not realize how much effort it took just to get through the moment.

That invisible cost matters.

Just because someone can do something does not mean it comes easy.
Just because someone made it through does not mean it came without a price.

This is not about blaming yourself

It is important to say this clearly.

If you have masked, there is a reason.

Maybe it helped you survive certain environments.
Maybe it protected you from judgment.
Maybe it gave you a way to move through difficult situations.

That does not make you weak. It means you adapted.

The point of this article is not to shame anyone for masking.

It is to understand the cost honestly—so a better path can be built over time.

The goal is not perfection. It is relief.

A healthier life does not necessarily begin with “never mask again.”

For many people, that would not feel realistic or safe.

A healthier life may simply begin with asking:

• Where am I pretending the most?
• How do I feel afterward?
• Which situations leave me drained?
• Where can I safely be more honest?

Even a small reduction in performance can bring real relief.

And relief matters.

Why this matters moving forward

If people with autism are going to build real confidence, then pretending cannot be the foundation.

Confidence built on constant performance is fragile.

Real confidence comes from feeling safe enough to be more honest—and from learning that being genuine does not make a person less worthy.

That is where this month is headed next.

Thank you for reading.

With appreciation,
Tyler McNamer
Founder, AutismWorks