Masking vs. Being Myself—A Practical Guide

Hello AutismWorks Community,

I want to talk about masking—the effort to hide autistic traits and perform what looks “typical.” I’ve masked to get through noisy rooms, confusing conversations, and moments when I wasn’t sure what was expected. Sometimes masking helps me finish a task or avoid conflict. Other times, it costs more than it gives.

This article is my practical take on when masking can be useful, when it becomes harmful, and how to unmask safely without losing control.

What Masking Is (Plain and Simple)

Masking is adjusting outward behavior to meet social expectations:

Copying expressions, gestures, or tone
Forcing eye contact or small talk
Suppressing stims or sensory needs
Rehearsing responses instead of speaking naturally

It’s effortful. It uses energy. It’s not the same as growth; it’s a temporary performance to match a setting.

Why I Sometimes Mask

Safety: Reduce unwanted attention or conflict
Predictability: Get through high-stakes tasks (class, work check-ins)
Speed: Follow a script when I don’t have processing time
Privacy: Choose what I share and when

Masking can be a tool—but tools should be used on purpose, not by default.

The Cost of Long-Term Masking

Exhaustion & burnout: Social jet lag after “performing” all day
Delayed support: People assume I’m fine when I’m not
Identity blur: Forgetting what feels authentic
Increased shutdowns/meltdowns: Pressure builds; release shows up later

A good rule: if masking prevents me from meeting my real needs, it’s too expensive.

Spotting Masking (My Tells)

I script replies instead of listening
I ignore sensory pain to “be polite”
I smile/nod while mentally counting down to escape
I need a long recovery afterward for something that “looked easy”

If several show up at once, I’m over-masking.

When Masking Is Reasonable

Use it like a time-boxed setting:

Specific context: short meeting, appointment, ceremony
Clear end: “I’ll hold it together for 20 minutes, then break”
Support staged: earplugs in pocket, exit plan, ally nearby

Mask with boundaries, not as a lifestyle.

A Safe Unmasking Plan

1) Choose your places:
Start where acceptance is high—home, trusted friends, calm offices, clubs that fit your interest.

2) Choose your people:
One or two who respect boundaries and won’t punish differences.

3) Choose your practices:

Allow stims (hands, feet, chewable, fidget)
Use plain language: “I need quiet.”
Opt out of eye contact; focus on content

4) Name the rules of engagement (simple scripts):

“I listen better without eye contact.”
“Louder spaces drain me—short answers are not rudeness.”
“I’ll step outside for 5 minutes if I get overloaded.”

5) Debrief after trying:
What felt safer? What needs adjusting next time?

De-Mask Routine (Recovery That Works)

Sensory reset: dark room, soft lighting, pressure/weighted blanket
Body reset: water, movement, slow breathing (exhale longer than inhale)
Cognitive reset: silence, familiar music (instrumental helps), one comfortable task
Boundary note: “Next time: leave 10 minutes earlier.”

Building a Life that Requires Less Masking

Environment: lighting control, predictable schedules, quiet corners
Communication norms: written follow-ups, agendas, clear turn-taking
Relationships: people who accept stims, direct answers, and silence
Work/school fit: roles that value depth, accuracy, and consistency

Design beats willpower. If the setting fits, masking becomes rare.

Scripts for Common Situations

At work/school

“I process best with bullet points. Could you email key action items?”
“I’ll keep my camera off to manage sensory load; I’ll stay fully engaged on audio.”
“I focus better without small talk before meetings. Happy to jump straight in.”

With family/friends

“Hugs aren’t comfortable for me. Fist bump or wave works.”
“If I go quiet, I’m recharging—not upset.”
“Crowds are tough. I can join for 30 minutes, then take a break.”

Medical/administrative

“Please speak in steps. I’ll repeat back to confirm.”
“I might write answers instead of saying them if my words jam.”

For Supporters (Caregivers, Teachers, Employers)

Ask preferences: “What helps this go smoothly?”
Offer formats: written summary, agenda, quiet space
Praise clarity, not conformity: “Thanks for saying what you need.”

Avoid

Forcing eye contact
Interpreting stims as misbehavior
Saying “you seem fine” when someone communicates a limit

Better feedback framing

Behavior + impact + concrete request:
“The room got loud, and the details were missed. Let’s move to a quiet spot and capture the next steps together.”

Red Flags That Masking Is Becoming Harmful

Frequent headaches, shutdowns, or sleep disruption
Dread of ordinary interactions
“I don’t know what I actually like anymore”
Needing days to recover from short events

If these show up, shrink the masking zones and enlarge safe spaces.

Masking can be a tool—useful in short, specific moments. But living masked isn’t living well. My aim is simple: protect energy, meet real needs, and show up as myself where it’s safe and possible. That’s not quitting; that’s choosing sustainability.

With clarity and respect,
Tyler McNamer
Founder, AutismWorks