Why Does My Autistic Child Want to Be Alone? An Adult With Autism Explains

Your child comes home, walks past everyone, and goes straight to their room. The door closes, and they want to be left alone.

If you're asking "Why does my autistic child want to be alone?", I want to answer from the inside. My name is Tyler McNamer. I'm an adult with autism, and I still need my alone time. I even have a name for the place I go: my cave.

My short answer: for me, alone time is healthy. It's not me pushing people away. It's how I spend time with myself, and how I make peace with myself.

▶ Prefer to watch? See my short video: Why I Need Alone Time

Welcome to my cave

I have a regular cave, and I have a portable cave. My cave is one of my favorite rooms. It's quiet. It's very small in space, but I enjoy it. I really do.

It's usually dark in there, too. When I made my video, I turned the lights on, just for the video.

So why do I like the dark and the quiet so much? Because I wanted to spend some more time with myself. And honestly, it's healthy, really.

Tyler's tip: For me, the cave is a healthy place. Wanting time alone is not a bad thing.

Why I love the quiet

I'll be honest with you: I love the quiet. The quiet is good. It's very good to me.

That doesn't mean I hate noise. I can handle the noise. I'm not going around saying "go away, you're too noisy." That would be really mean, and I don't do that. People are welcome. I just enjoy the quiet.

Here's an example. I once gave Twitch a try and streamed some video games. A lot of streamers do the whole vocal commentary. I didn't really. To me, if I talked while I played, I felt like I would ruin the moment. So I muted the game music and played my own music instead, from Napster, Spotify, or my CD collection, and let the music tell the story.

Sometimes the only audience member I had was myself. And honestly, it feels good to be my only viewer. Why? Because it's very quiet, and I like the quiet.

It was a fourth grader at one of my school talks who got me to try Twitch. When I asked him what the appeal was, he said: "You think differently. I'm sure that you play differently." I had never thought of it that way.

Tyler's tip: Wanting quiet is not the same as wanting people gone. I can handle noise. I just enjoy the quiet.

Be a good friend to yourself first

Here is something I always say: before you try to become friends with just about anyone out there, you've got to first be a good friend to yourself.

Friendships and relationships are never perfect. As much as we want them to be perfect, there are bound to be some troubles here and there. There will be agreements, disagreements, and arguments.

It's the same with yourself. When you're by yourself, trying to get to know yourself, you can end up fighting with yourself, with so many quarrels. It can be scary. It can be heartbreaking. I've seen folks out there struggle with self-loathing, and I understand.

So what do you do after all those fights? Things calm down. Things are quiet and dark. And there comes a point where you just want to make peace with yourself, and get to know that same person again: the person you always wanted to be.

For me, that's what the cave is for.

A solo journey

I could tell you all the stories from back in high school. But those would be too sad, so I'll let my books tell those for me.

What I will tell you is this: it's never too late to be that same person once more, someone people can look up to. It's a really emotional journey. And as scary as it may seem, you have to do it yourself.

This one is a solo journey. Some folks can pitch in to help, but ultimately, you have to decide. It's all up to you.

Tyler's tip: Some folks can pitch in to help. But ultimately, making peace with yourself is up to you.

What parents can take from my cave

From my own life, here's what I'd want a parent to know:

1. Alone time can be healthy. For me, it really is. It's how I spend time with myself.
2. Quiet isn't rejection. I can handle noise, and people are welcome. I just enjoy the quiet.
3. Let them do it their way. I played games with my own music and no commentary. You think differently, so you play differently.
4. Being your own friend comes first. Before friends with anyone else, be a good friend to yourself.
5. Pitch in, then let them decide. Some folks can help, but the journey is theirs.

FAQ: autistic child wants to be alone

Why does my autistic child want to be alone?

I can only speak for myself. I want alone time because I want to spend time with myself, and that is healthy, really. My quiet place, my cave, is where things calm down and I make peace with myself.

Is it OK for my autistic child to like being alone?

For me, yes. Alone time is healthy, really. I love the quiet, and I can still handle noise. People are welcome. I just enjoy the quiet.

Do autistic children prefer to be alone?

I can only speak for myself. I enjoy the quiet, but that doesn't mean I want people to go away. I welcome people. I just also need my quiet time.

My autistic child has no friends. Should I worry?

Friendships are never perfect, and there are bound to be troubles. What I always say is: before you try to become friends with anyone, be a good friend to yourself first. That's a good place to start.

Why do autistic adults need alone time?

I still have my cave as an adult. I go there because it's quiet, and because spending time with myself is healthy. It's where things calm down, and where I get to know myself again.

More from AutismWorks

• Watch: What a 4th Grader Taught Me About Autism and Gaming, my story about Twitch and the quiet.
• Read: Balancing Solitude and Socializing in Autism and Help Your Child with Autism Make Friends.
• Also read: Why Does My Autistic Child Hit Other Kids?

The rest of my story

I said I'd let my books tell the rest. My book Becoming ONE is about the teen years, friendships, depression, my first job, and how I came to live on my own. I sign every copy myself.

Get your signed copy of Becoming ONE ($29.95)

This is Tyler McNamer of AutismWorks, reporting live from the cave. It's time for the quiet.

This article shares one person's lived experience. It is not medical advice. If your child's wish to be alone is new or sudden, or comes with changes in mood, sleep or eating, please talk with your child's doctor or care team.